{"id":51,"date":"2014-03-23T21:45:53","date_gmt":"2014-03-23T21:45:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/?page_id=51"},"modified":"2014-03-23T21:45:53","modified_gmt":"2014-03-23T21:45:53","slug":"2013-silvermere-weybridge","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/match-report-2013-cousins-open-silvermere-weybridge\/2013-silvermere-weybridge\/","title":{"rendered":"2013 \u2013 Silvermere, Weybridge"},"content":{"rendered":"

Match Report<\/strong><\/p>\n

2013 \u2013 Cousins Open \u2013 Silvermere, Weybridge
\nhttp:\/\/www.silvermere-golf.co.uk<\/a>
\n1st – Andy (22)\u00a019 points (10 out, 9 back)
\n2nd – Dave (17)\u00a019 points (11 out, 8 back)
\n3rd – Paul (19)\u00a018 points (11 out, 7 back)
\n4th – Joe (26)\u00a017 points (6 out, 11 back)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s a Sunday.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Sunday the 26th<\/sup>\u00a0May 2013 to be precise.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0And wow\u2026 what a\u00a0sunrise<\/span>\u00a0headache!<\/p>\n

Today is the second event of the 2013 (still not widely recognised by the professional golfing world) CGA Tour!\u00a0\u00a0Today\u2019s venue is Silvermere golf course in Weybridge, Surrey.\u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s the day after Paul\u2019s 33rd<\/sup>\u00a0birthday; a rather unimportant number in the possible list of birthday years.\u00a0\u00a0However, after over-indulging in an 8 course posh banquet and wine voyage from the night before, Paul is strangely NOT the worst for wear today!\u00a0\u00a0It appears that Andy was out until 1.30am\u2026 drinking, Dave was out until about 2.30am\u2026 drinking, and Joe\u2026 well, he has 3 kids and a wife to worry about so he always looks tired and hung-over!<\/p>\n

In fact Dave hadn\u2019t arrived just yet (he was probably still out at a local discotheque throwing J\u00e4gerbomb after J\u00e4gerbomb down his gullet).\u00a0\u00a0But there we were.\u00a0\u00a0The three \u201cmusketeers\u201d \u2013 that\u2019s assuming that musketeers are middle aged, tired, hungry men that have golf bats instead of swords!\u00a0\u00a0The only thing that stood in the way of some no doubt truly awful golf, was going to be breakfast.\u00a0\u00a0However, a massive, wooden, closed and locked door stood in the way of breakfast!\u00a0\u00a0It appears that at 7.20am not a lot is open!\u00a0\u00a0Never mind\u2026 off to the pro shop.<\/p>\n

A whole 10 minutes later and \u201cPissy McPissed Face\u201d (Dave) had now joined us as we confidently marched (using a bizarre, wobbly technique) to the bar to order breakfast and discuss the special \u201crules\u201d of the day.\u00a0These included a special \u201cteam\u201d game using nice pink balls (I should point out these are golf balls at this stage\u2026 not sure what you were thinking!?!?).\u00a0\u00a0The classic game of \u201cAndy writes down everyone\u2019s name in a random order then we shout out a number between 1 and 4\u201d was used to pick the pairs.\u00a0\u00a0It was junior musketeers versus senior musketeers!\u00a0\u00a0Let the battle begin\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026 actually before we began, most of us needed the toilet.\u00a0\u00a0Joe, Andy and I used the ones to the right of the bar, right next to where we were sitting.\u00a0\u00a0We sent Dave to the left of the bar (where there were no toilets) who must have then acted in a style crossed between Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, and the squirrel across the assault course from those old adverts!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0By all accounts he did manage to find something to pee in eventually \u2013 possibly his golf bag!<\/p>\n

Now full of eggs, sausage and toast we wobbled back to the pro shop in search of water for the round.\u00a0\u00a0After trying to go in via the closed exit door of the shop, then looking around the stands like a bunch of inebriated (yet dehydrated) monkeys, we were told that you actually buy water and snacks from the little fat man in his booth next to the first tee.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning little fat man!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Was the thought that ran through my head as I walked into his little treasure trove of lucozade, snickers bars and bottles of water.\u00a0\u00a0After purchasing some drinks for the troops, the big friendly bear of a man proceeded to do something that really got me excited!\u00a0\u00a0First, he was doing that thing where you almost bite your lower lip in a facial expression of ecstasy, and then muttered the words \u201cboys, forget Wentworth\u2026\u201d (the PGA tour was currently being played 10 miles down the road there), \u201cthe course here is in amazing condition today!\u201d.<\/p>\n

Well\u2026 all I can say after teeing off on the first (straight down the fairway I must add), is that the course at Wentworth must have been completely covered in animal sh*t!\u00a0\u00a0I have no idea what weird, mystical creature needs to poo that often (probably Dave), but it was everywhere!\u00a0\u00a0Fortunately after the first hole it all disappeared and the course really was in top, top nick (you were right little fat bear man)!<\/p>\n

At this point I\u2019m going to skip a few sentences, but I will quickly admit that yes\u2026 I took 15 shots on the first hole\u2026 even after that beautiful tee shot straight down the fairway!<\/p>\n

By this stage the little pink balls (remember this is the special team game, not Dave\u2019s genitals) had changed hands several times (again, not Dave\u2019s genitals!).\u00a0\u00a0The junior musketeers of Dave and Joe (from now on known as the \u201cmuskadettes\u201d had taken an early lead over the slower-out-of-the-blocks senior musketeers of Paul and Andy (from now on known as the \u201cmuskadudes\u201d) \u2013 this wasn\u2019t helped when Andy backed up Paul\u2019s 15 shots on the first hole by taking 12 himself (can you believe that the two of them took a total of 27 shots to finish the first hold par 5!!!).<\/p>\n

By the end of the 4th<\/sup>\u00a0hole the muskadudes had now taken a 12 points to 11 points lead, only for the \u201ckids\u201d to come back by the end of the 5th<\/sup>\u00a0leading 17 to 15.\u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s fair to say that the lead, along with the little pink balls, had now swapped partners more times than Russell Brand!\u00a0\u00a0However, by the end of the front nine the elder cousins had taken a comfortable 29 to 23 point lead.\u00a0\u00a0As for the singles game\u2026 yes\u2026 our mate Mike is still single!<\/p>\n

Actually, the golf singles game was nicely poised with both Dave and Paul on 11 points at the half way stage.\u00a0\u00a0Andy was on 10 points with Joe ever so miles behind with only a mere 6 (and 3 of those came in the first two holes)!\u00a0\u00a0It was still all to play for on the back nine\u2026 even the little pink ball game (no Dave, not your favourite game of \u201ccock or bollock?\u201d)<\/p>\n

The back nine consisted of pars, bogies (Paul had a cold), blobs, tantrums, and lots of splashes!\u00a0\u00a0It all got very exciting by the end of the 17th<\/sup>\u00a0hole, where by this time Andy lead on 19 points, then Paul on 18, and with Dave and Joe tied on 17.\u00a0\u00a0Wow, this was about as hot as a freshly cooked McDonalds Apple Pie (why are they so hot?!?!?).<\/p>\n

It\u2019s fair to say that the whole day was all about the last two holes \u2013 clearly someone was given the brief of \u201cmake it a little tricky with a lot of water\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0The 17th<\/sup>\u00a0was a par 3 where both Dave and Paul lost balls and failed to even have a single putt between them, both picking up.\u00a0\u00a0Andy and Joe scored solid 4\u2019s for 2 points each (which had given Andy his first lead since playing Johnny in Grease in the 1990’s!).<\/p>\n

It now meant that it was all to play for heading up the 18th<\/sup>.\u00a0\u00a0Some reasonable drives off of the tee (except Paul), had left everyone with a chance of smashing a shot over the vast expanse of water to the tiny little green next to the patio area of the clubhouse \u2013 which we should add was full of people enjoying the sunshine and some good lunch\u2026 and soon, some amazing comedy!\u00a0\u00a0The quiet concentration of the players for the next few moments was only broken by the same sound, over and over again.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0SPLASH\u2026 SPLASH\u2026 SPLASH\u2026 SPLASH!!!<\/p>\n

Only Dave was to walk away with any dignity from this hole, scoring a well-earned 5 for 2 points.\u00a0\u00a0Andy, Paul and Joe all failing to register on the scoreboard.\u00a0\u00a0This final last effort from Dave had meant that he had tied with Andy on 19 points for the round, with Paul on 18 and Joe and 17.\u00a0\u00a0Sadly (and much to Dave\u2019s frustration) he had lost first place to Andy on count-back, Andy having scored 9 points on the back 9, compared to Dave\u2019s 8.\u00a0\u00a0It also left Paul (the birthday boy remember) feeling very bitter having lead for the whole of the back 9 until the 17th<\/sup>\u00a0hole!\u00a0\u00a0One word\u2026 \u201cchoked\u201d!<\/p>\n

So what did we learn from today\u2019s round?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Don\u2019t turn up hung-over.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Don\u2019t trust Paul for directions to the toilet.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Apparently poo makes a golf course more attractive.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Dave\u2019s game of \u201ccock or bollock\u201d is unlikely to ever get a prime time TV slot.<\/p>\n

Paul and Andy won the pairs game 51 points to 48, and Dave now leads the overall CGA tour by 1 point over Andy (but plays the next game off of 16 as a handicap).\u00a0\u00a0Good luck with that!!!\u00a0 ‘Till next time!!!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Match Report 2013 \u2013 Cousins Open \u2013 Silvermere, Weybridge http:\/\/www.silvermere-golf.co.uk 1st – Andy (22)\u00a019 points (10 out, 9 back) 2nd – Dave (17)\u00a019 points (11 out, 8 back) 3rd – Paul (19)\u00a018 points (11 out, 7 back) 4th – Joe (26)\u00a017 points (6 out, 11 back)   It\u2019s a Sunday.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Sunday the 26th\u00a0May 2013 to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":39,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-51","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/51","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=51"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/51\/revisions"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/39"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cgatour.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=51"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}